


Basket Baby Superstar

by Luke_The_Leopard_Gecko



Category: Christian Bible, Jewish Scripture & Legend, הגדה של פסח | Passover Haggada
Genre: (well actually we're only a little sorry), And also the Worst Thing We've Ever Written, Featuring a meddlesome flock of sheep, God uses They/Them Pronouns, M/M, Passover, The Greatest Crossover of All Time, and Jesus as an intern, we're so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:00:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23659525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luke_The_Leopard_Gecko/pseuds/Luke_The_Leopard_Gecko
Summary: Every year, we gather together to celebrate Passover. We ask the four questions, and we tell the story of how Moses led the Israelites to freedom. There’s food and wine and matzo and wine and flourless chocolate cake. And also more wine. Speaking of wine, we’ve heard there’s this other famous Jewish guy who did something with wine. Maybe he turned it into water? Who knows. Let’s do this.
Relationships: Moses/Jesus Christ
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	Basket Baby Superstar

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't read the story of Passover, please do before we ruin it for you forever.
> 
> If you don't like reading, or have ever wondered how Passover might be different if Moses had had Google, here's a video you'll enjoy:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIxToZmJwdI

Every year, we gather together to celebrate Passover. We ask the four questions, and we tell the story of how Moses led the Israelites to freedom. There’s food and wine and matzo and wine and flourless chocolate cake. And also more wine. Speaking of wine, we’ve heard there’s this other famous Jewish guy who did something with wine. Maybe he turned it into water? Who knows. Let’s do this.

We, Luke and Associates, are proud to present:

_**Basket Baby Superstar** _

(a complete butchering of Judeo-Christian mythology)

Once upon a time, a man named Moses realized that his adopted grandfather had enslaved his biological family, so he ran away from home to help them. He also got a job as a shepherd, because being a prophet doesn’t really pay the bills.

One day, while he was watching his sheep, he saw a bush spontaneously catch fire. Not wanting his sheep to get burnt, he approached the flames. Before he could get there though, a man stepped out.

“Are you okay?” asked Moses, concerned, and also confused, because the man didn’t seem to be burnt at all and besides the bush hadn’t been big enough to conceal a person.

“Oh yes I’m fine,” said the man. “Are you Moses?”

“That’s me,” said Moses. He would have said more, but he was still confused, as well as distracted by how handsome the man was. In fact, he was so distracted that he didn’t notice one of his sheep chewing on the hem of his robes.

“I have a message for you from God.” Trumpets played faintly in the background to accompany the man’s announcement.

The sheep looked at the man sceptically.

“Are you an angel?” asked Moses.

“No I’m just God’s intern,” said the man. “My name’s Jesus, by the way.”

“God has interns?” Moses halfheartedly tried to swat away the sheep, which had resumed eating his robes.

“Yeah it’s a new thing They’re trying,” explained Jesus. “I don’t know how well it’s working though- people keep thinking I’m Their son or something.”

“That sounds annoying,” said Moses. “So what was your message?”

“Oh- yes- sorry…” Jesus looked down at his hand, which appeared to be covered in smudged writing. “This is my first assignment, so I’m still getting the hang of things… anyway… so you know how the Pharaoh enslaved your people and all that and you’re trying to free yourselves?”

Moses nodded, and waited for him to continue.

“Well, God was wondering, and you have to understand, They’ve been on vacation over by Alpha Centauri for a while so They’re a bit out of the loop, but they were wondering, have you tried asking him to let you go...?” Jesus asked, sheepishly examining the frayed edges of his sandals.

“No, we never even thought of that,” said Moses.

“Yes you did! You’ve tried that like eight times,” insisted one of the sheep, because sheep don’t understand sarcasm.

“But thanks for passing on the message,” Moses said loudly, kicking the sheep to make it shut up. “I actually have my own ideas for escaping the Pharaoh.”

“What are your ideas?” asked Jesus.

“Well, it turns out I can do magic, so I was thinking of maybe torturing him until he lets us go,” explained Moses. “You know, bringing in storms of locusts to ruin his crops, or maybe setting wild animals loose in the city. I’ve already turned my staff into a snake, so I figure animal-related magic is my area of expertise.”

“Maybe I could help?” said Jesus. “I can turn water into wine and heal people, so maybe I could turn the river into blood and make people sick? It’s sort of the same thing, right?”

Moses opened his mouth to respond, but before he could, one of the sheep snuck up behind Jesus and headbutted him, sending him stumbling forward. Both men lost their balance and ended up tangled together in the sand. The sheep circled around them, looking pleased with themselves. One of them started chewing on the ends of Jesus’s hair, which was full of thorns for some reason.

And from that day on, Jesus and Moses were inseparable. Jesus ended up staying at Moses’ house, where there was only one bed. Luckily, neither of them seemed to mind.

***

**Bonus Scene:**

“All of our boats are gone!”

The Isrealites were clustered along the bank of the Red Sea, staring in abject despair at the place where, just a few days previously, a fleet of rowboats had been docked.

“I can walk on water,” said Jesus, trying to be helpful. “I could carry people across a few at a time-”

“Don’t worry; I’ve got this.” Moses swept past Jesus and tapped his staff on the bank of the river.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Passover! (We're incredibly sorry)


End file.
